Don’t Shake the Table: Tips for Handling Difficult Conversations with Family During the Holidays

While some are jumping for joy at reuniting with their loved ones over food and fun this Christmas, others would rather grab takeout and call it a day at home… alone. Although declining invites may be an effective way to protect your peace (this season), we challenge you to tackle the task. Let’s get into tips for handling difficult conversations with family during the holidays.

Unfortunately, what’s considered the most wonderful time of the year isn’t that for those with bloodline baggage and unresolved issues. From having to be face-to-face with that cousin who “crashed out” last year to faking the funk with the nosy aunt who minds everyone’s business but her own, the reality is that navigating trauma with relatives can be hard and exhausting.

Many revel in Yuletide cheer by gathering games and gifts, sprucing up their living rooms for incoming visitors, and texting the group chats with menu recommendations. However, it’s important to remember the people who haven’t shown up to dinner with the kinfolks since umpteen Thanksgivings ago out of fear of sparking uncomfortable discussions and familiar feuds. Add in our LGBTQIA+ sisters and brothers who are still (hurtfully) sitting in a place of unacceptance from parents, and it’s even more disheartening.

Though settling for a to-go plate or not attending at all is a less stressful approach, we all wish to have the opportunity to bond with the ones we love amid this joyous era. This is our advice on helping you maneuver those not-so-easy interactions when they come to the forefront.

Tips for Handling Difficult Conversations with Family During the Holidays to Avoid Unneeded Drama

1. Come with an Open Mind

Old beef is bound to resurface if you’re at odds with a specific family member you haven’t seen in a while. Letting go of the egos and defense mechanisms keeps you level-headed in heated dialogue. Practice hearing their point of view and listening to understand instead of respond. Popping off at the slightest statement you disagree with could come off as immature and kill the chance for healthy communication.

2. Try Not to Play the Blame Game

Whether they did this or you did that, pointing fingers is (sometimes) a sign of deflection and poor accountability skills, which could appear as invalidating one’s feelings. While it’s necessary to be honest about your emotions (and vice versa), it’s also vital to not let them overshadow finding the resolution through the rehashing. The cold-hearted truth is, sometimes, it’s you, not them. However, you won’t discover if that’s the case in this particular situation by constantly flipping the fault and not realizing where each of you is right and wrong. After all, it takes two to talk and tussle.

3. Choose Your Battles Wisely

Sadly, we’re all the villains in someone’s story. Although, in a perfect world, we’d love for everyone to see our side of things the way we see it, that isn’t going to happen all the time. By citing your stance and agreeing to disagree, you can move forward. Everything doesn’t call for a response, and some things are better left unsaid. That doesn’t mean you have to dislike the person; your views just don’t align in that area… and that’s okay.

4. Strip Away the Expectations

We often break our own hearts by setting our standards for people too high and automatically putting them on a pedestal. Lose the need to control how others react so you can make peace with it when they don’t give you (exactly) what you were looking for. This shows emotional intelligence and aids in not holding grudges that shouldn’t go into the New Year with you. Along with accountability comes awareness. Once you’ve owned and spoken your truth, leave it up to the other person to handle the rest. Heart-to-hearts can be awkward, but understanding the result will be whatever it’s meant to be is key to unlocking a special sense of mental clarity.

5. Make Sure You’ve Planned Ahead

Right place, wrong time is a real thing. The last thing you want to do is abruptly spring it on your family that you’re ready to put all the dirty laundry on the table without consulting them first. Call if you can. Pull out that “we need to talk” line. Rehearse. Ask to pull them to the side. A warning is recommended so neither party will feel they’ve been bombarded or bum-rushed.

Which of these tips for handling difficult conversations with family during the holidays was helpful? Let us know in the comments below!

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