What Your Thanksgiving Dish Says About You

Thanksgiving is upon us, and let’s not act like there isn’t a hierarchy in not only food assignment but also what is made. For instance, the aunt who brought over three cans of string beans in a casserole dish may never be asked to bring anything over again. Because Thanksgiving isn’t just a time to get together with loved ones, it’s Top Chef levels of criticism and The Apprentice firing all wrapped into gossip. If you were asked to bring the ham and next Thanksgiving were moved to ice cream, there is a reason for this, and below is a list of what Thanksgiving foods say about the person who made them.  

Turkey

We are so tired of you, and you have no idea. We don’t care about your job or your cat. In fact, we hate that damn cat and your adult braces. You give off “eldest cousin energy” and have been practicing your “Y’all ready to eat?” speech since Halloween. You think you’re in charge, and it’s annoying that you can’t read the room.

Ham

“Hey, who brought an adult-size trampoline in the backyard?” The same person who brought the ham. This person is fun and always has been. They don’t get involved in the family mess. They are Switzerland, no matter who is involved. They don’t know any line dances, but they want to learn. They don’t know any rappers, but they will make up lyrics that make no sense. This person will not let you borrow money but will give you a ride anywhere you need to go. 

Mac and Cheese

You didn’t come into this role; you took it. Everyone remembers the Mac & Cheese Debacle of 2014, and because you saw a chance, you jumped into action. The Gods love you. Someone takes your coat when you come in. You get escorted into the kitchen. You are too young to hold this position, as you barely have a big enough pot-stirring arm, and yet, you are here. Older aunts despise you and throw shade all day. But Queens don’t worry about the murmuring of peasants.

Dressing (Not Stuffing. Dressing.)

“Thank you for coming to our Thanksgiving, Pastor.” 

You are an elder — by age or spirit. You know everything about this family. You rarely curse and know the exact time to take the cornbread out of the oven just by smell. You take sips of alcohol and call it a “taste.” You also may or may not have done something with one of Mama’s friends when we were little. 

Cranberry Sauce (specifically the can with the ridges)

Why are you so passive-aggressive? You do this every year. You come to the house knowing that you’ve been talking about everyone in here, and then act like you like everyone. You say things like, “I love me a good boundary,” and spend the entire month talking about how Thanksgiving is coming up and how much you’re dreading it.  

Collard Greens

It’s even money on whether or not you start a fight. You are sanctimonious and always threatening to leave. You don’t like your one sister, whom you know no one likes, but you have trouble hiding it. You are volatile and truthfully the only one in the family that will throw hands.

Candied Yams

You laugh extremely loudly, but everyone loves it. You know every line dance and occasionally mix up rappers’ names. And say things like “You don’t see these Megan the Stallion knees.” You are older, but still young enough to give the cousins tea fingers when someone clocks someone else’s tea.

Potato Salad

You are confident and self-assured. You also wanted to be a chef, and no one believed in your dream, so this is the culinary Olympics for you, and you show out. You don’t even have a recipe. You measure using the hands of the ancestors. You give the best hugs and judge people by how they hold their plate. 

Rolls

You are the conflict-avoidant peacemaker of the family. You never pick sides, even when you clearly should. People assume you don’t know the tea — you do. You just bake through the chaos.

Sweet Potato Pie

Your presence lowers blood pressure and prevents arguments. You don’t need to announce when you’re arriving — folks can feel it in their spirit. Your car also takes up half a city block. You are a negotiator and everyone’s favorite. 

Pumpkin Pie

We don’t know you. We saw you when you walked in, but we keep trying to figure out who you came with. We know that you are reckless; you don’t wear your seatbelt often, and you drive well over the speed limit, so you have to be. To bring baked devil’s vomit into this house of the Lord as if it’s going to get eaten. Rich Aunty has already packed up Satan’s soufflé and set it behind the microwave for when you’re ready to go. 

Fried Chicken

You’re the realest. You are a trailblazer and everyone’s favorite cousin. You refused the family’s secrets long ago, but never hold anyone to their past. Grandma loves you more than the other cousins, and you know it, which is why you slipped a Mr. Goodbar in her sweater pocket, knowing she’s not supposed to have chocolate because of her sugar. 

Charcuterie Board

We get it. You moved away and got a no-bedroom that you insist on calling a loft. You SoulCycle and own a brunch boot. Everyone keeps asking, “Who brought the cheese plate?” And you keep reminding them in that way that you do, that it’s a “charcuterie board.” You are going to leave early because you have friends in town from Harvard.

Ice Cream

This year has been tough for you, and we know it. What you don’t know is that someone else was given this assignment with you because we didn’t know if you would actually stop and get it. We don’t trust you yet. But we love you and really want you to love yourself. It will get better. We didn’t want you to feel left out or to have the responsibility to make something. We really just want to put eyes on you and make sure you are OK. We are genuinely excited to see you and need you to feel that you are loved.  

SEE ALSO:

The Black Manhood Dos And Don’ts For Thanksgiving

Redefining Thanksgiving