My bad, homie, but my toddler doesn’t think your phone call is important. Ever.

Editor’s note: The following article is an op-ed, and the views expressed are the author’s own. Read more opinions on theGrio.

I want to issue a blanket apology to any and everybody who has spent even a minuscule amount of time on the phone with me while my toddler was in my presence. My bad. I’m sure whatever you called me about it was important, but next time, just send a text because I didn’t hear a single thing you just said since my kid has decided nothing you have to say is more important than his desire for me to not hear it.

You see, he’s taken to both screaming and relentlessly attempting to get my attention every single time I answer the phone. And it doesn’t matter if I’m physically holding the phone to my ear or on my AirPods; somehow he can tell I’m on the phone, and well, *CENSORED* your phone call, bro. Work meetings? Check. Sad, emotional phone calls with friends who need to bend my ear? Check. Phone calls from my mechanic trying to explain to me what’s wrong with my car and just how much it’s about to call? Check. 

I have a weekly production meeting for my podcast via Google Meet and lil’ homie has been on doggone near every single call. He hops in the videos and wants to talk. He points at the screen. My boss? She knows my son well. My producer? Same. He is intent on being present. But you know what? At least in that sense, he gets his distraction off and then usually moves on to leaving Legos or sharp pointy objects in strategic places to ensure I make weekly calls to my podiatrist — what’s up, Dr. Scholl? But a phone call? No dice, fam. If I answer the phone, he pokes his little head up from whatever has his attention and starts yelling for me and my attention. I don’t know who he thinks is on the phone or why he doesn’t like them — or you — but he doesn’t, at all. He’s over all of your ideas and brainstorming. He wants me to pay attention to him and only him, and he doesn’t care how you feel about it. 

Or how I feel about it, really. I beg. I plead. I attempt to distract him in other ways to get a few minutes to hammer out this thing I need to make sure my check keeps coming. It matters not. 

He does this in the car, too. For instance, let’s say I’m rolling down the street heading to wherever I’m heading to and my phone rings. He knows the sound of an iPhone ringing because what kid doesn’t these days, ya know? As soon as that thing starts thanging, here he goes deciding he wants to do toddler karaoke; have you ever heard a 2-year-old attempt to sing “Bohemian Rhapsody”? That’s what it sounds like but I have no idea where he would have heard that song. Doesn’t matter, sounds like he’s just yelling anyway. Point is, he is letting off tons of vocal shots not because he wants or needs anything; he’s just fine. He is letting that vocal chopper spray because he’s annoyed that the attention that he didn’t want in the first place is now being placed elsewhere. It’s uncanny, really. 

Anyway, I just thought it would be appropriate to send this written apology that usually comes with a spoken apology while I’m on the phone. Trust and believe, if we are ever on the phone and you don’t hear him screaming in the background, it’s because he’s with my wife and probably screaming in the background of her work or personal phone calls. He’s consistent that way. 

Thank you for coming to my Panama Talk. This is my “sorry” for 2023. Just send me a text next time. 

Panama Jackson is a columnist at theGrio. He writes very Black things and drinks very brown liquors, and is pretty fly for a light guy. His biggest accomplishment to date coincides with his Blackest accomplishment to date in that he received a phone call from Oprah Winfrey after she read one of his pieces (biggest), but he didn’t answer the phone because the caller ID said: “Unknown” (Blackest).

Make sure you check out the Dear Culture podcast every Thursday on theGrio’s Black Podcast Network, where I’ll be hosting some of the Blackest conversations known to humankind. You might not leave the convo with an afro, but you’ll definitely be looking for your Afro Sheen! Listen to Dear Culture on TheGrio’s app; download it here.

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