In defense of ordering chicken tenders as an adult

OPINION: The practice of adults ordering chicken tenders (and fries) at every restaurant is frowned upon by many, but they should turn their frowns upside down.

Editor’s note: The following article is an op-ed, and the views expressed are the author’s own. Read more opinions on theGrio.

If you have a large group of friends that goes on group dinners, there’s a better than 50% chance that one person in the group makes it a practice to order chicken tenders no matter where you go. This person — whose temperament is likely often joyous and unpretentious — laughs along as the group pokes fun, pointing out that “chicken tenders have never let them down” and then proceeds to ensure they won’t be let down in the midst of orders of unpronounceable items and fish that, while cooked, could have just swam off the set of “Finding Nemo.” Everybody eats their food and perhaps orders dessert and lives to eat again next month where a similar song and dance plays out. There is nothing but love in the group, but the Chicken Tender Orderer  (CTO) has a reputation. 

I’m here to tell you that this reputation, while earned, is probably unfair. You see, that reputation is one of unwillingness to try new things and is even, slightly, juvenile and without mature tastes. What kind of (likely) gainfully employed, civically engaged adult ventures to restaurants and orders the most consistent, tried, and true child’s order — chicken tenders and fries? As somebody who has been this person (on occasion), today I will explain to you what kind of person goes to any manner of establishment and upon gazing at the menu, orders the chicken tenders. 

But first, let’s discuss where this happens. Let’s just keep it a buck here; nobody goes to a restaurant that doesn’t serve chicken tenders and orders chicken tenders. You’ve never been out with a person who looks at a menu for an eatery where the chef’s name is on the leatherbound jacket that houses the menu and they say, “Hey, I see you have maybe 10 orderable items on this menu, but I really have a hankering for chicken tenders.” It just doesn’t happen. If you say it does then you are a liar and a cheat, Joe Jackson, and I don’t want you. Nope. The CTO knows good and well when and where they can order chicken tenders, and it isn’t at Chez Shay’s where the menu includes words like confit, remoulade and reduction. Nobody orders chicken tenders where the chicken at the restaurant is referred to as poultry. Poultry tenders aren’t a thing and if you eat at places that serve poultry, you have the good sense not to ask for things that clearly aren’t on the menu. For good measure, this is also why people with children don’t take their kids to places that have confit on the menu, because their kid’s menu (if they even have one) definitely doesn’t have chicken tenders. Trust me, I’m a parent. I know these things and have learned the hard way more than I care to admit. 

Nope, CTOs order their chicken tenders at places where chicken tenders are part of the regular menu as well as the kid’s menu. When I order chicken tenders, I do it at places where they offer multiple dipping sauces and will even dip your tenders in the sauces for you and then add a sauce on the side. You know the places, the ones where the napkins are paper and the seats are vinyl, and the drinks are served in plastic cups. And the reason CTOs order chicken tenders at those spots isn’t because of some lack of desire to try a new thing, it’s because, at THOSE places, there are no new things. Every menu item is a remix of some basic item like pasta with stuff in it and burgers with things on them. Who doesn’t like to eat good things? I know I do. Oh, and you know what else? At those places, the chicken tenders are good. It’s why the chicken tender baskets with sauces and the fries are in pictures on those menus (places like this have menus with pictures). Every item doesn’t get to have a picture on the menu, but they ALL include a picture with a chicken tender basket. Why? Because chicken tenders are good. We all know it. Pretending to be too good for chicken tenders while sitting at a place where the tenders are prominent menu items isn’t cool. No matter what version of Jesus you prefer, Jesus would not approve of the disdain. 

So cut the judgment; CTOs know when it’s appropriate to order tenders and when it isn’t. While you sit there with your burger with mushrooms on it, CTOs are just fine with their Nashville hot tenders that you want to sample, in case you ever want to order them. 

For all the CTOs of the world, order your chicken tenders with a smile and grace. Dab the corners of your mouth with your napkins before you order and ask for the finest cut of tender available. Make a show of it — Coach Prime the bejesus out of your chicken tender order. I see you. We see you. 

Panama Jackson is a columnist at theGrio. He writes very Black things, drinks very brown liquors, and is pretty fly for a light guy. His biggest accomplishment to date coincides with his Blackest accomplishment to date in that he received a phone call from Oprah Winfrey after she read one of his pieces (biggest), but he didn’t answer the phone because the caller ID said: “Unknown” (Blackest).

Make sure you check out the Dear Culture podcast every Thursday on theGrio’s Black Podcast Network, where I’ll be hosting some of the Blackest conversations known to humankind. You might not leave the convo with an afro, but you’ll definitely be looking for your Afro Sheen! Listen to Dear Culture on TheGrio’s app; download it here.

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