Hear me out, post-sex goodie bags are a great idea

OPINION: A viral tweet shows a photo of a sendoff bag a woman says she received after spending the night with a man, and I am not opposed to this concept. 

Editor’s note: The following article is an op-ed, and the views expressed are the author’s own. Read more opinions on theGrio.

I was on the phone with my sister as she picked my nephew up from school. When he got in the car, she noticed he had a bag of snacks in his hand that he was happily digging into. She hadn’t given it to him, so she asked him where it came from.

“It was some kid’s birthday today,” he said, “and all the kids got this bag of goodies.”

My sister asked him what was in the bag. 

“A Capri Sun, some Doritos Minis, and a chili mango sucker.” 

“They gave him one of those ‘send off’ bags you were talking about earlier,” my sister said to me, and we both started cracking up. 

She’s referring to the post-sex goodie bag a woman claimed to have received after she spent the night with a man. 

Inside the bag is a fun-size bag of Doritos; either an unidentified sandwich or a piece of white bread (I can’t really tell)’ some weed crumbs; a cheap pack of cigars (I’ll assume to roll blunts with said obviously MID weed); and $40 (or a $20 bill folded in half).

Written on the bag was a note that said, “Thanks for your time.”

Although the original post is three years old, it was revived recently when someone did that thing y’all do where you steal other people’s viral social content and post it like you came up with it (I should definitely write a future column about this). Someone stole the entire post verbatim and posted it to their Twitter account. 

The tweet in question went viral and sparked a discussion about whether or not women thought this was an appropriate gesture. TheGrio’s Marc Lamont Hill discussed it on his show recently. 

I have some thoughts. 

I am not at all opposed to a gentleman giving out post-sex goodie bags or send-off bags, or whatever you want to call it. Hell, some of y’all need to give out parting gifts to compensate for your lack of adequate performance. If I’m not leaving your house flushed, blushing, blissful and pleased, then, as Denzel said in that interview with Jamie Foxx that one time, I’m leaving here with something. 

I heard a rumor that Derek Jeter used to give his one-night stands gift baskets that included signed baseball memorabilia, but he has denied that. That’s a shame because if it were true, that would have been some top-tier send-off bags worth a lot of money. 

Call it a consolation prize in that case, or in the case of a performance that is adequate or better, think of it as a memento — something to help me remember the moment and think about you fondly. 

The goodie bag the woman showed on Facebook was not much better than the goodie bag my nephew got in the car with after school. 

Fellas, you gotta step up your game!

If you are going to give out these bags, instead of giving me $40, give me a stack. Put it on a Visa gift card if you want. 

Instead of that Lipton Arnold Palmer, give me a bottle of champagne, rose, or prosecco. 

Instead of that white bread (ewwww!) sandwich, give me an Uber Eats gift card. Put some chocolate-covered macadamia nuts in there or a box of See’s Candies (their Nuts and Chews box is my favorite). 

Instead of whatever low-grade cannabis that was in that bag, drop some edibles in there instead to help me relax. Put a bath bomb in there or a lavender balm to help me relax. 

In other words, put just a little more effort into it to make it look like you think the ladies who are choosing to spend the night with you are special. You don’t even have to really think it, but if you can make them think you think it, you might be winning. 

Make your offerings something you can be proud of. 

And to my fellow ladies out here living our best lives, don’t be so quick to turn your nose up at these post-sex goodie bags. 

It might be the only thing that makes the night worth it.

Monique Judge is a storyteller, content creator and writer living in Los Angeles. She is a word nerd who is a fan of the Oxford comma, spends way too much time on Twitter, and has more graphic t-shirts than you. Follow her on Twitter @thejournalista or check her out at moniquejudge.com.

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