Black America’s Top 10 criminal justice tips for Donald Trump

OPINION: Donald Trump and his supporters may need some advice after they recently discovered America’s criminal justice system might be a tad bit unfair.

Editor’s note: The following article is an op-ed, and the views expressed are the author’s own. Read more opinions on theGrio. 

Have you heard the disturbing news?

According to news reports, Donald Trump is the latest victim of the anti-white agenda targeting truth-tellers like historical fiction writer George Santos, the Proud Boys and the brave tourists who took an unauthorized tour of the U.S. Capitol Building on Jan. 6. Usually, Republicans, conservatives and Trump’s MAGA allies are three separate-but-equally-delusional circles that intersect on the Venn diagram of racism. But now that federal prosecutors have formally charged Trump with 37 felonies related to mishandling classified documents, Biden has been accused of weaponizing the Department of Justice, politicizing the criminal justice system and targeting his political rival. Together, these patriots have identified a troubling flaw in American jurisprudence.

Apparently, the criminal justice system might be a tad bit unfair.

Frankly, I’m flabbergasted. This is not the America that I know. According to most non-critical race theoreticians, since the day Jesus, Ronald Reagan and George Jefferson signed the Declaration of Independence, this country has represented liberty and justice for all. The Constitution even says that we are supposed to judge men by the content of their character and not by the color of their skin.

I cannot imagine how infuriating it must be to live in a country that criminalizes your behavior simply because you refuse to conform to the status quo. I tried to find some examples but, when I looked, I couldn’t find a single example of anyone weaponizing the Justice Department. In fact, I discovered that former FBI Director J. Edgar Hoover was so concerned about politicizing the DOJ, he created a program that allowed citizens to report corrupt FBI agents on coin-operated telephones. I didn’t look it up, but I’m sure that’s what COINTELPRO stands for, right?

So, to help MAGAmaniacs navigate this unexplored unequal phenomenon, theGrio gathered a panel of the best and Blackest experts to advise Donald Trump — and white people everywhere — on the best practices for dealing with an unfair criminal justice system. Then we ranked them based on effectiveness, viability and how much they made sense.

Here are the top 10 pieces of advice for MAGAs who are discovering the unjust American legal system.

10. Don’t play the victim.
(Advice from “snowflakes”)

Look, I get it. 

Anyone who’s closely examined the statistics can clearly see that the Justice Department disproportionately targets white presidents. Instead of politics, maybe you’re being singled out because you admitted that you had secret military information … on tape. Your indictment probably has nothing to do with race and more to do with the fact that the National Archives asked you to return the materials first or that you stored them in a publicly accessible space. 

Instead of whining about Biden, you should pull yourself up by your bootstraps and take responsibility for your actions. If you can’t do the time, don’t do the crime. Or maybe you should pretend as if you shot an unarmed Black person in the face and ask the public to wait until all the facts come out. 

That’s why you people can never get ahead.

9. Maybe it’s your culture.
(Advice from America’s “top gang thugs”)

You might be able to focus on which documents were classified if you didn’t have five children from three baby mamas. 

Have you considered how your culture plays into all of this? When Vladimir Putin and Recep Erdoğan are your role models, you’re probably going to end up in trouble — especially when you ride around listening to music by racist thugs like Ted Nugent,  Kid Rock (wigger Ted Nugent) and Ye (nope … to easy). And what kind of man allows his daughter to marry into a family of a convicted criminal while he hangs out with criminals like Paul Manafort, Jeffrey Epstein and Steve Bannon? To be fair, I just remembered that your father was arrested at a Klan rally.

Maybe it’s how you were raised.

8. Stop resisting.
(Advice from Black lives that matter)

A lot of these headaches can be avoided if these people just comply with law enforcement officers.

I don’t understand why Trump refused to respect a lawful order when the FBI asked him to return those documents. The Jan. 6 drill team could have just turned around at the police barricade. If you people weren’t so anti-cop and believed in “law and order,” I bet the cops would leave you alone. 

I’ve never seen it work, but still …

7. Get over it.
(Advice from people dwelling on the past)

Instead of “making America great again,” maybe you should stop living in the past. 

They love to call themselves the “party of Lincoln” and remind people that the KKK was Democrats. I know you long for the days when men were able to pay porn stars and grab the closest available vagina, but this is a new day. But, if you weren’t so allergic to history, you’d realize that politically motivated criminal accusations have existed in every society. Did Julius Ceaser whine about his Senate impeachment trial on the Ides of March? Marie Antionette was nice enough to offer her accusers cake at her indictment hearing. Yes, it was unfair when the Sanhedrin indicted Jesus on multiple counts of blasphemy and sedition.

He got over it in three days! 

6. Stop being so divisive.
(Advice from the good people on both sides)

Whenever you feel like you’re being targeted because of your race, you have to remember that this is not a systemic issue. What about the prosecutors who indict the drug dealers you wanted to kill? What about the brave presidents who weaponized federal law enforcement agents during Black Lives Matter protests? Where was the bias in the criminal justice system when Kyle Rittenhouse was acquitted? Is this the same DOJ that didn’t charge you with any crimes during the Mueller investigation?

Some of them, I suppose, are good people.

5. But what about …
(Advice from Black-on-Black criminals)

Think of all the crimes Trump hasn’t been charged with violating. He hasn’t been charged with murder or … OK, I couldn’t think of another crime he hasn’t been accused of committing.

But what about her emails? (Ivanka’s, not Hillary’s.)

The point is, you can always deflect from a legitimate point by pivoting to another question.  Sure, Trump’s carelessness could have endangered the lives of intelligent assets, military members and undercover operatives all over the world. But what about the classified documents he didn’t keep? If I was asked about white-on-white crime at the Capitol on Jan. 6, I’d deflect by being upset with the Justice Department, too! 

 I understand that everyone is innocent until proven guilty, but you can’t get mad when people chant: “Lock him up! Lock him up!” By keeping military secrets in his drunk drawer with the AAA batteries, scissors and old birthday cake candles, Trump made the entire country less safe. Maybe the DOJ is prosecuting Trump, Nazis, Proud Boys and white nationalist organizations because they are anti-white.

Or maybe the prosecutors feared for their lives.

4. Build that wall.
(Advice from people in shithole countries)

According to multiple sources within the intelligence community, the federal government has developed a secret strategy to protect people, places and things. Of course, they could easily place an armed patrol around the perimeter of things that need protecting but even armed police officers can be overwhelmed by a large enough crowd. They could build a barricade but people would climb over it. Instead, they use a proprietary technique that combines technology, armed patrols and common sense to protect these places they want to keep safe, including Capitol Buildings, classified documents and America’s borders.

Those classified documents were as safe at Mar-a-Lago as the Electoral College was on Jan. 6. 

Only an idiot would think something was safe just because they put it behind a wall. 

3. Send him back.
(Advice from shithole countries)

Perhaps you have legitimate criticisms of the DOJ. Maybe there is bias in the criminal justice system. Maybe America’s politics are too divided.  

Stop hating America?

Admitting that this country could possibly be flawed means you obviously despise this country, the troops and their commander-in-chief Joe Biden. That’s how it works, right? Because, according to the 2016 version of white people, the president should be respected. If you don’t like how he handles justice, what’s stopping you from leaving? (Aside from the fact that you’re under indictment and you’d be a fugitive.) My people are from South Carolina, and yours are from Germany. But if you trace either of our lineages back far enough, you’ll realize that we are all from the same place. So, I’ll offer you the same advice I was offered by numerous people who want to make America great again:

Go back to Africa.

2. Not all Justice Departments.
(Advice from race-baiters)

Why must you make everything about the presidential race?

First of all, the Department of Justice has also investigated Mike Pence and Joe Biden for mishandling classified documents, so they can’t be racist. Furthermore, how can they be biased against Republicans when the DOJ prosecuted Democratic appointee David Patreus for mishandling classified documents? Plus, there are people at the Justice Department who are married to MAGAs, so how can they be anti-Trump? Some of their best friends are probably Trump supporters.

Just because someone disagrees with how you openly flaunt classified documents doesn’t mean they’re Trump-phobic; maybe they just don’t agree with your lifestyle. Most prosecutors have never seen classified material come out of the closet. They’ve never been to an insurrection pride parade. Perhaps they’re just set in their ways. They’re from a different time. Many of them just think the law should apply equally to everyone. Regardless of the hue of your hat or political party…

They don’t see color

1. Make America great.
(Advice from everyone)

If you truly want to make America great, you should try not being a racist, hateful, lying, rapey, transphobic, incompetent, election-denying, fascist, science-denying, narcissistic, power-hungry, delusional, privileged, white nationalist conspiracy theorist hellbent on burning down the fragile semi-democracy with kindling made of bigotry, xenophobia, white fear and conspiracy theories.

Or just go away.

You, alone, can fix it.

Michael Harriot is a writer, cultural critic and championship-level Spades player. His book, Black AF History: The Unwhitewashed Story of America, will be released in September.

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