Surviving Trump: Trump Colors His Hair, Lies About 9/11, Says He’s Trading Stocks For America, And More [Op-Ed]

Y’all really don’t understand what it’s like keeping up with and reporting on the day-to-day shenanigans of President Donald Trump. People who don’t work in media but are as exhausted with receiving a daily dose of Trump’s buffoonery as we are of delivering it to them often wonder why we can’t just ignore the idiot. There was a time when it would be an odd question to ask why the media won’t stop covering the president of the United States. But now, because we have our first president in history who has the impulse control of a toddler, the maturity of someone a toddler might tell to grow TF up, the intelligence of someone who could be tutored by a toddler, and the cognitive function of an 80-year-old toddler, who is basically a walking corpse at this point, it seems reasonable to ask why we can’t all just pretend the so-called “leader of the free world” doesn’t exist.

Alas, he’s still the holder of the highest office in the country, so his nonsense is still news. The best we at NewsOne can do is try to consolidate the chaos by reporting a regular roundup of Trump Ls and evidence of his brain rot.

So, we present to you: Surviving Trump, a new regular column where we will keep you up to date on all of Trump’s shenanigans because he never lets us run out of things to talk about.

Let’s get into it…

New Hair, Who Dis?

So, we’re going to start off light — or dark.

Photos of the president stepping off Air Force One in New Jersey ahead of a weekend at his Bedminster golf club, according to USA TODAY, have gone viral, bewildering people who did not have Trump becoming a brunette on their 2026 bingo card. Apparently, Trump’s new do came on the heels of his denying allegations that he wears a wig.

“I don’t wear a wig,” Trump said in a Sept. 2 speech describing a 2024 campaign rally on a windy day. “That night, they found out I did not wear a wig because if you did, it was not going to be on your head very long.”

OK, so did the wind blow an open bottle of brown shoe polish into your not-a-wig, or what? Did Natalie Harp write you a letter-slash-love poem in which she mentioned that she’s over blondes? Did you dye your hair to prove you’re not racist against all things brown? You understand this is how Rudy Giuliani went viral while leaking from his scalp, right?

You want this to be you, Trump?

Also, whatever, I still think it’s a wig.

Trump Wants Everything To Be Called ‘America’

We’ve already covered Trump’s obsession with renaming things either after himself or “America.” He was widely mocked for signing an executive order to change the name of Lake Ontario to “Lake America” not long after he mused about doing so during a White House briefing. He also suggested he might rename an ocean the same way. He also wants to rename New Mexico, changing it to “New America,” and, apparently, he didn’t think he sounded stupid enough suggesting it in a Truth Social post, so he posted a bunch of AI slop to emphasize his unmitigated stupidity.

And since Trump didn’t think it was stupid enough to have travelers from Albuquerque saying, “Hey, we’re New America, America,” he posted another AI image that suggests he wants Iceland, Greenland, and all of North America to be the U.S.A.

So, now, in Trump’s mind, Iceland is “America,” Greenland is “America,” Canada is “America,” and Mexico is “America.” It’s almost as if Trump finally figured out that raising tariffs on all of our allies was only raising prices in the U.S., so he thought a brilliant solution to the problem he caused was to make everything the U.S.; therefore, they would be self-tariffing tariffs that would naturally cause prices to — you know what — I don’t even know where I was going with that, but then, neither does he.

I just want to know where Trump is going to deport people to if every country is America now.

Trump Says He’s Been Trading Stocks…For You!

Over the weekend, Trump not only claimed that he has “made Hundreds of Billions of Dollars on Stocks, and many other type Holdings,” not for himself but “for the U.S.A.,” but he posted an AI image of him trading stocks from the Oval Office, because that’s exactly the message a president wants to send to a populace that is already concerned about all the deep, clear-as-day corruption and profiteering from the White House that this president is either accused of doing or is provably doing.

“I do this for our Country, not myself,” Trump wrote Sunday. “I’ve made Hundreds of Billions of Dollars on Stocks, and many other type Holdings, for the U.S.A., not myself, and all I do is get criticized by the Radical Left Dumocrats. Very unfair, but what can you do!”

Sir, respectfully — who TF do you think you are, Randolph & Mortimer?

Trump really thinks he can sway voters ahead of the midterms by convincing them that all the stories about him enriching himself through stock trades and cryptocurrency are all fake news, and what he’s actually doing is fattening America’s wallet, as if his stock earnings are being funneled straight into the U.S. treasury.

Or maybe he just decided to name his bank account after America while he’s renaming lakes, gulfs, and entire land masses for the U.S.

Sorry, but nobody is that stupid.

Well, MAGA is that stupid. MAGA might also be stupid enough to believe Trump was on Ground Zero during 9/11, which brings us to the last part of this roundup…

Trump Is Out Here Lying About Being Rescued By First Responders During 9/11

That’s right, y’all, on Tuesday, Trump decided it was a grand idea to commemorate the upcoming 25th anniversary of the September 11, 2001 terror attacks by claiming before a crowd near the White House that during that fateful day, “two firemen” lifted him up to help him escape a building they thought was “coming down,” which, of course, it wasn’t, because it didn’t exist, because Trump was not there on 9/11.

“The United States Steel Building was creaking, really creaking, and we thought it was going to fall down. The truth is, it creaked a lot. It creaked. It still creaks, but it never came down,” Trump pretended to recall. “And I’ll never forget two firemen. We thought it was coming down on top of us, and two firemen, big, strong guys — and I’m not the smallest guy in the world — they grabbed me under the arm, said, ‘Got to get out of here!’ And they literally lifted me up. This is not easy to do. I’m big. They lifted me up, and they started running with me. I said, ‘Fellas, I can run myself,’ but they were amazing. But they thought it was coming down. It didn’t come down.” 

Actually, Trump has been making claims for years that he was there on 9/11, and that he was even involved in recovery efforts after the attack, which fact-checkers have noted there is no evidence of.

Under video footage of his latest elaborate, kind of homoerotic fantasy about being rescued by big, buff firemen is a community note, saying he was “miles away from Ground Zero on 9/11, speaking by phone from his office.” And even that would be news to me, since I was under the impression that, on 9/11, he was in New Jersey listening to “thousands and thousands” of Muslims cheering on the attacks, as he claimed in 2015.

So, what’s up, MAGA? Y’all OK with this? Please tell me all of you bigots who don’t want NYC Mayor Zohran Mamdani attending the 9/11 ceremony in his city just because he’s of Muslim descent, are also up in arms over the president claiming to be a 9/11 victim when he absolutely was not?

Nah, don’t answer that. Just sit there and look as stupid as your president does every day, while turning a blind eye, as usual.

Pathetic!

SEE ALSO:

GOP To Trump: ‘You Can’t Sit With Us’ During The Midterms [Op-Ed]

Senate Republicans Are Speaking Out On Pete Hegseth [Op-Ed]