Sen. Mitch McConnell Proves He’s Still Alive, You Know, For The Most Part [Op-Ed]

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Sep 15, 2026 - 12:00

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Sen. Mitch McConnell Proves He’s Still Alive, You Know, For The Most Part [Op-Ed]

Senator Mitch McConnell Returns To Capitol Hill After Months-Long Absence — Source: Finn Gomez / Getty

Well, y’all, we finally have proof that Sen. Mitch McConnell is still somewhat alive.

After months of being kept in the dark about the good senator from Kentucky’s health status — with his office only releasing what I guess it thought were proof-of-life photos and statements we had no way of knowing he actually made — on Monday, McConnell was wheeled into the Senate chamber to cast his first vote on literally anything since early June. Sure, he looked like the human equivalent of an autopen the whole time, and all of his staff and fellow Republicans constantly hovering over him like they were protecting him from a stiff breeze doesn’t bode well if he’s trying to convince people he’s of sound mind — but he was there, living and probably breathing on his own.

Come on, y’all, you have to admit McConnell looks great.

Here’s a close-up.

Wait, that’s the wrong video. Here he looks like he just arrived at Shady Pines, but he thought it was Willy Wonka’s Chocolate Factory in the sky. Where’s the one where he gives reporters a little wave and a thumbs-up so they know he’s not a cardboard cutout in a wheelchair?

Oh, here it is.

Look, here’s another shot of him proving, for a split second, that his thumb is still attached to his hand.

Anyway, according to the Associated Press, McConnell did briefly speak out of his own mouth to reporters — slowly and with great difficulty, of course — telling them he was back to work on a pending farm bill and because he has an ongoing interest in NATO and “backing up our good friends who are totally in the fight against the Russians.” According to the New York Times, he also joked with reporters, saying, “After two years — two decades — of dodging your questions, I wasn’t sure how many of you would be here today.”

Two years or two decades? Did anyone bother asking him if he knew what the current year is? What day it is? Who’s in the White House? Trump? Biden? Obama? Franklin D. Roosevelt? Woodrow Wilson? Did anyone happen to ask him what planet he’s on?

According to the New York Times, he did speak in complete, intelligible, well-formed sentences — *checks notes* — in a written statement released by his office.

“My recovery has been a long and often frustrating process, and the lingering effects of childhood polio haven’t made it any easier,” he may or may not have said in real life.

“I’m still not quite back to 100 percent,” he added, saying that he had told party leaders “that, as I continue with physical therapy on the advice of my doctors, I will do my best to be present for tough votes when our conference needs me.”

Oh, buddy, we know you weren’t at 100%. You looked like the human version of someone trying to charge their phone, but stopping at 6% battery life because they were really in a rush. You were in that Senate chamber buffering for two hours. Your consciousness was in mid-download during a sudden power outage — had to be.

All jokes aside — actually, I don’t know how to finish that sentence.

To the internet!

Y’all are so mean on social media. Can’t you just let that man li — you know what, nah, I ain’t even going to set you up for that one.

Nah, but seriously, y’all need to gon’ and let that man retire. It’s elder abuse at this point.

In all honesty, we might feel bad for making light of a man who is obviously in the midst of the worst part of one’s twilight years, but he’s been on paid leave this whole time he’s been absent, mostly without explanation, and after he has spent his whole career in the U.S. Senate voting against paid leave, including sick leave, for your average worker in the U.S.

If you want well wishes, be the kind of person who people would wish well. Jussayin.