Conservative Influencer Gets, Well, Way Too Excited While Describing How He Met Jesus

In today’s episode of Is It A Sermon Or Is It a Tinder Profile? conservative YouTube influencer Gabe Poirot recently sat down for an interview with Fox News to talk about his near-death experience when a life-threatening skateboarding accident put him in an 18-day coma in October 2021. Now, Poirot certainly wouldn’t be the first person to turn their near-death experience into an evangelical testimony about how they personally met God or Jesus face-to-face, but he might just be the first to, well, straddle the line between testimony and erotica while doing so.

Because, seriously, what is going on here?

“They didn’t meet a female Jesus. They didn’t meet a soft or a passive Jesus. Jesus is a man,” Poirot told Fox News host Kayleigh McEnany, while promoting his memoir, 18 Days in Heaven: I Left My Body. I Met Jesus. What He Told Me Will Alter Your Eternity. “And especially in America, he’s been misrepresented…. There’s so many cultural things that present him as if he’s just some tolerant guy.”

Now, so far, Poirot just sounds like your average MAGA minion, who is enlisting the Christian savior into his culture war, but then he takes a weird turn.

“He’s a lion, but he’s not a lion angry against me; he’s a lion angry for me. He’s a mustang on my behalf. He did it all for me,” he continued. (I implore you to not listen to that again with ’90s R&B music playing in the background.)

Then McEnany asked Poirot to describe what Jesus looked like, because — oh, I don’t know — she’s looking for material to make romance novels great again.

“Pure fire,” Poirot responded. “He is a LION. He was 5’11 as tall as eternity. He was like an ocean of love, yet his eyes were burning white and red. And, I mean, talk about testosterone.”

Wait, why are we talking about testosterone? Haven’t you gotten Pete Hegseth excited enough already?

“Like a mustang, I’m telling you,” Poirot continued, describing Jesus. “He’s the lion of Judah, and there’s a roar within his voice.”

To quote the great Hip-Hop orator Sticky Fingaz, “But, but, but, wait, it gets worse!”

Here are a few more gems from the interview.

“Well, I didn’t originally see him face-to-face, because my face was down…”

Sir…

“He did it just for me, like I was his only one. I’ll forever be his only one. He waited his entire life just for me.”

SIR…

“His love is literally what I was struck with. When I look into his eyes, I was forever captured.”

OK, I’m pretty sure he’s plagiarizing Natalie Harp’s letters to the president, at this point.

Now, according to Poirot, he’s “NOT a ‘MAGA influencer,’” he’s just invoking anti-abortion propaganda just like a MAGA influencer, and invoking anti-Blackness, but only when it suits his self-serving narrative — just like a MAGA influencer.

“I’m on social media to testify of Christ. I’m NOT a ‘MAGA influencer.’ I’ll address cultural issues through a biblical lens—including confronting racist, white-supremacist organizations like Planned Parenthood, founded by KKK rally speaker Margaret Sanger,” he tweeted Tuesday.

Oh, also, this warrior against “white-supremacist organizations” also appears to be a “friend” and advocate for — *checks notes* — late white supremacist Charlie Kirk.

“I know my friend Charlie Kirk, who after he took that bullet immediately saw Jesus Christ,” McEnany said, quoting Poirot’s book, and asking the author for “your thoughts” on the fellow right-wing influencer who was shot and killed last year.

“He didn’t experience an ounce of pain or grief,” Poirot said. “In fact…Charlie doesn’t even know he’s dead, because he’s alive.”

So, OK, Poirot, if you are truly not a MAGA influencer, then why are you invoking your friendship with racists, applying a warped understanding of masculinity to Un-Woke Jesus, and proselytizing on Fox News — giving all the tell-tale signs of a MAGA influencer?

Look, I’m not one to mock anyone’s faith, or the way they choose to love on their savior, but — come on, y’all — this was Fifty Shades of Christ, and you know it!

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