The top 10 alternatives for Speaker of the House

OPINION: Now that Rep. Jim Jordan has ended his bid for Speaker of the House, we came up with a list of 10 other qualified candidates.

Editor’s note: The following article is an op-ed, and the views expressed are the author’s own. Read more opinions on theGrio.  

On Friday, shortly after losing his 13,034th suit jacket and the vote to become Speaker of the House, Rep. Jim Jordan (R-Ohio) lost another secret ballot.

“Representative Jim Jordan of Ohio lost an internal vote to continue as his party’s nominee for speaker on Friday, plunging the House into further uncertainty and sending Republicans searching for a new leader,”  the NY Times reports. “The vote came hours after Mr. Jordan failed for a third time to win election as House speaker, leaving his party with no consensus on a way forward and the chamber paralyzed in the face of growing pressure to get back to business”

The internal decision came just 18 days after eight hard-right Republicans ousted former Rep. Kevin McCarthy (R-Calif.) from his role as House Speaker. The GOP’s desperate search for a qualified candidate also comes during a looming government shutdown and the nation’s involvement in three international conflicts (Israel, Ukraine and the Pinkett-Smith household). 

So what’s next?

Citing the rule that the Speaker doesn’t necessarily need to be an elected member of Congress, some have suggested that the Republicans’ search may extend beyond the lower chamber. Despite the Christ child’s lack of a driver’s license and political experience, others have suggested that they should let Jesus take the wheel. Luckily, we have a solution.

Instead of putting up a job listing on Indeed, theGrio’s Senior Human Resources Correspondent, Michael Harriot, has put together a list of 10 qualified candidates that could possibly become second in the line of presidential succession.

10. Q: Although it might be fun to see someone wearing gold boots invite Matt Gaetz to “the grass” (IYKYK), I’m not referring to the members of Omega Psi Phi. Since the QAnon movement seems to control the party, why not let one of its members control the entire House of Representatives? 

9. Patrick McHenry: There is already speculation that the GOP caucus could simply vote to expand the role of acting Speaker Pro Tempore Patrick McHenry (R-NC). He’s a true conservative who’s worked with Karl Rove and the Bush family, so he’s not as MAGA as some would like.

He’s basically Dollar Store brand Kevin McCarthy. 

8. ChatGOP: Usually, Allen Iverson is the only A.I. I acknowledge, but in this case, I’m talking about artificial intelligence. The entire GOP is basically an artificially unintelligent bot running off a combination of racism, Trumpisms and white tears. Why not let Skynet take over the job? I bet we could wake up every morning and say, “Alexa, run the government,” and the computerized Karen would do a better job than any current Republican member.

7. Marjorie Taylor Green: While the prospect of placing that much power in the hands of Green seems scary, could putting the MAGA Cruella de Vil in charge of the House GOP caucus be any worse than any of the other anti-democracy, election-denying, Nazi-adjacent white nationalists? She’s basically CrossFit Steve Scalise, anyway.

Plus, it would be so much fun! I want to hear more about the Jewish space lasers and where the  2,000 mules are hiding.

6. America’s Next Top Speaker: Not only would this bring the country together, but it might also spark public interest in the political process. No one cared about ballroom dancing until “Dancing with the Stars.”

What if we just held a reality show-style competition a la “The Bachelor” or “American Idol?” All of the candidates would have to live in a house together, and we’d get to see them write legislation and make backroom deals. Or maybe they could complete challenges like trying not to lie for a full day. At the end of every House session, the GOP caucus would vote to eliminate one Republican candidate (maybe give them a rose or kick them off the House floor) until the grand finale. 

I’ve already talked to Netflix about “The Masked Speaker.” They’re in.

5. Byron Donalds: Yeah, right. 

4. Kevin McCarthy: When all is said and done, I still believe that McCarthy will eventually wind up as Speaker. I fully realize that having the most experience and being the most qualified doesn’t mean a lot when white people are doing the hiring, but McCarthy had more votes when he was ousted than any of his colleagues have managed to garner. 

And if you don’t think he’ll take the job, remember this is the same dude who went to Mar a Lago, gave Trump a lap dance and endured 1,034,539 votes to get elected Speaker. He has no shame (I actually think it’s his campaign motto).

3. Donald Trump: I know he has warrants and he’s been busy defending his thug life in court, but if the GOP is gonna be crazy, ineffective and chaotic, is there a better fit for the role than Trump? And because they are spineless cowards who care more about power than the people of the United States, the members of the Republican party would never vote against their unelected Führer.

His bipartisan insurrection plan almost worked one time. 

2. Hakeem Jeffries: This one isn’t even a long shot.

Rep. Derrick Van Orden (R-Wisc.)  just hopped on a flight to Israel. Others are heading home for the weekend, while others suggest they should stay in town to figure things out. And during the previous three Speaker elections, Jeffries won the majority of votes. It is quite possible that the consternation could cause a handful of Republicans to defect and vote for the leader of the Democratic Party. It’s also feasible that GOP absences could tilt the scale toward Jeffries.  

1. White people: Why not take a page out of the playbook for “Jeopardy!” and “The Daily Show” and have a rotating guest Speaker each week? We could have a Mom for Liberty for one week and a Proud Boy would serve the next. Of course, since the GOP electorate is 80% white, randomly choosing Republicans would ensure that the Speakership remains in the able hands of Caucasians. I’m sure they’d allow Byron Donalds and Candace Owens to serve during Black History Month. And if any part of this plan sounds absolutely insane, you gotta admit…

It’s also better than any of the plans Republicans have offered. 

Michael Harriot is an economist, cultural critic and championship-level Spades player. His New York Times bestseller Black AF History: The Unwhitewashed Story of America is available everywhere books are sold.

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